Life can throw some nasty curveballs at times, and Leah Messer got hit by one so hard she almost gave up something she couldn’t give back: her life.
In her new book Hope, Grace & Faith, the Teen Mom 2 star detailed the harrowing incident where she almost attempted to take her own life on a drive because of her daughter’s battle with muscular dystrophy.
As fans know, the 27-year-old has three children: 10-year-old twins Aliannah and Aleeah (with ex-husband Corey Simms) and 7-year-old daughter Adalynn (with ex-husband Jeremy Calvert). Ali was previously diagnosed with muscular dystrophy, a genetic disease that causes progressive weakness and loss of muscle mass.
In her book, which hits shelves on May 5, Messer recounted feeling so helpless watching her beloved child in a serious health battle that she contemplated driving off of a cliff in her native West Virginia. The MTV star wrote:
“When I think about Ali, I just want to know why this is happening to her. She is so sweet and innocent. She deserves to have the same future as her sisters… I want to scream at the world that it isn’t fair. I would never wish what Ali has on another child, but why her? Why did she have to be born into a body that won’t have the strength to run along the beach, do a cartwheel, or climb a tree?”
Messer noted that grieving over her daughter’s condition eventually started to affect her own health, writing:
“I’m so sad and angry all the time I can barely eat… or sleep… or breathe. I feel like I’m suffocating. When I close my eyes at night, the voice in my head gets stuck in an endless loop.”
The reality star explained that she got so worked up, she even started to wonder if Ali’s ailment was some sort of cosmic punishment, continuing:
“Is it my fault? Is Ali being punished because I’m a bad person? Am I doing enough to get her the help she needs? Do I even deserve to be her mother? Maybe the girls would be better off without me.”
Mom guilt is real — and in Messer’s case, it was life-threatening.
The famous momma remembered getting in her car one night when she was by herself and almost went down a road she couldn’t return from. She wrote:
“I don’t even remember getting into my car. I just know that I can barely see the road through the tears streaming down my face. ‘I glance back over my shoulder at the three, crumb-covered car seats behind me. Except for Addie’s sippy cup, they’re empty… it’s just me in the car… I press my foot down on the gas and watch as the needle on the speedometer goes from 80… to 90… to 110 mph. It’s dark and there’s no one else on road. I’ve driven down this stretch of Mink Shoals Hill a thousand times. There’s a steep cliff off the side of the road just up ahead. It would be so easy to drive my car over the edge. Then it would all be over. No more worries. No more failure. No more pain.”
Thankfully, Leah came to her senses before it was too late. She continued:
“Instead, I slow down and pull over to the side of the road. I turn off the engine and put my head down on the steering wheel. A lifetime of tears comes pouring out of the deepest part of my soul… I take a deep breath and a calming stillness settles over me. It’s like I was in the middle of a violent thunderstorm, then suddenly the clouds parted and now everything is bathed in a warm light.”
The starlet said she realized her daughters needed her and that “it would be selfish to abandon them,” adding:
“For better or worse, I’m all they have. I need to be stronger. I need to get the hell out of here and fix myself, so I can be the mother that my daughters deserve.”
No matter how hard things get, don’t go down that road. If you or anyone you know needs to talk, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
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