Keep smiling through Covid with top gags by comics from England's lockdown areas

PUBS are closing or calling last orders early and many of us can’t invite our mates round for a brew – but that won’t stop Britain from having a laugh.

With more and more parts under lockdown restrictions, we need to find ways to keep ourselves amused. So we have pulled together top gags by comics from Tier Two and Tier Three regions.

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Even though stand-ups can’t perform in front of a live audience now, we can still look forward to when they will be allowed back on stage – in what is sure to be an end-of-the-tier show.

WEST MIDLANDS

FRANK SKINNER

“A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.”

LENNY HENRY

“I’d stay away from ecstasy. This is a drug so strong it makes white people think they can dance.”

JASPER CARROTT

“Glenn Hoddle found God – that must have been one hell of a pass.”

ESSEX

RUSSELL BRAND

“Bob Geldof . . . no wonder he’s an expert on famine, he’s been dining out on I Don’t Like Mondays for 30 years.”

“If your body is 90 per cent water, why have you got to drink water all the time? Why can’t you just have some crisps?”

ALAN DAVIES

“We had a Jimmy Glasscock at school. You could always see him coming.”

GREATER MANCHESTER

PETER KAY

“I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes. Phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.”

“I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?’.”

JASON MANFORD

“I phoned the gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, ‘How flexible are you?’. I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’.”

“A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.”

LES DAWSON

“The wife’s mother said, ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave’. I said, ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea’.”

TYNE & WEAR

SARAH MILLICAN

“I found a new way to know you’ve put weight on. There’s a car park near me which has a barrier that goes up . . . when it senses a car is near. I was carrying two bags of shopping, but still.”

ROSS NOBLE

“How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?”

LANCASHIRE

VICTORIA WOOD

“I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.”

“I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.”

LONDON

MICHAEL McINTYRE

“My wife and I both made a list of people we could sleep with. She read hers, ‘1. Clooney; 2. Pitt; 3. Gyllenhaal; 4. Timberlake; 5. Depp’. I thought, I’ve got the better deal here: ‘1. Your sister’.”

“A good book is called a page turner. Surely that is the minimum you expect from a book?”

SARA PASCOE

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then you’ve lost a pigeon.”

“I bought some glasses. My observational comedy improved.”

TIM VINE

“I dreamt I cut carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”

“The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.”

YORKSHIRE

VIC REEVES

“I poured my cat out some milk the other day – I don’t know how it got in there.”

BOB MORTIMER

“Our lass is always fighting with us. She threw a lettuce at me last night – and that was just the tip of the iceberg.”

ROY “CHUBBY” BROWN

“Larry la Prise, who wrote The Hokey Cokey, has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.”

“A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks, ‘Can you settle an argument and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?’. The waitress leaned over and said, ‘Burrr gurrr King’.”

MERSEYSIDE

LEE MACK

“My wife, she’s carrying our first child. He’s eight, the lazy little…”

JOHN BISHOP

“Being an England footie supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”

KEN DODD

“Do I believe in safe sex? Of course, I do. I have a handrail around the bed.”

“I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.”

STAN BOARDMAN

“It was a tough school. The teacher said to the class, ‘What comes after a sentence?’. The kid says, ‘You make an appeal’.”

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