“Your one stupid weekend or whatever you did, look what it did to three years of a relationship. It just demolished it. So was that worth it for you?”
The woman behind Nori’s Black Book — a viral parody Instagram account written entirely in the voice of Kim Kardashian’s sassy 5-year-old daughter — is bringing her talents to TooFab.
Each week, "Nori" will be recapping new episodes of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" and giving us HER take on all the family drama.
(NOTE: The below was not actually written by North West.)
Sunday’s "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" started with Reign impressing Scott and Auntie Kourtney with his many facial expressions. It looks like Reign got all the talent in that family, which isn’t saying much. I still hope this kid considers college.
Next, Auntie Khloe, one of the Malikas and Scott met up for lunch in a restaurant that was rented out by production. We do this sometimes because the fans ruin our shots and then the show doesn’t look real. It’s also easy to re-shoot in this location when we mess up our lines. During lunch, Auntie Khloe invited one of the Malikas to Cleveland. Don’t ask me which one.
In the next scene, MJ dropped by Scott’s house. These two have been getting close because that’s the way the writers wrote the script this season. Scott let her know that he started a clothing company called Talentless. It’s a play on the stigma that reality stars have no talent. MJ thought he should name it something more positive — like Talented. If she’s not fond of Talentless, she would’ve hated the original name of the line, Unemployed. Scott said he’d been working on his company for about a year but didn’t want to tell anyone about it until the kinks were worked out. Waiting until summer to promote a clothing line of sweats and sweatshirts seems like a huge kink that should’ve been worked out.
At Auntie Kourtney’s house, Mommy was trying to figure out what to make her "finsta" name. A finsta is a fake Instagram account that is only for your close friends. I have a finsta, but I use it to write nasty comments on the Good American Instagram account.
Later in the conversation, Mommy said she wanted to be more aware of the attention she was giving me because she works so much. She said she has to work but wanted to know what things I would like to do. I thought about the one activity that would torture her the most, and I came up with camping. Mommy said camping is the last thing in her life that she would want to do. It was perfect!
Later, Mommy and one of the Malikas talked about our past Bali trip. Mommy brought up Auntie Khloe’s reading and how the psychic told her that she has a lot of hurt because of her current relationship. Mommy said she worries about her and wants her to open up to one of the Malikas.
Next, Mommy and Jonathan went shopping for our camping trip. I’d like to personally apologize to the viewers for subjecting you to Jonathan. I’m sure it was hard to sit through. I encourage all of you to DVR the show so if this ever happens again, you can fast-forward.
In the next scene, Kris stopped by Scott’s house. He was having some work done on his house, which is no doubt to promote his upcoming new show. I hope Scott knows that cross-promotion on our show isn’t cheap and that I expect payment soon. Kris inquired about Scott’s clothing line and asked why he was being so secretive about it. She thought he should really be pushing the brand more. Scott said he didn’t want to push the clothes on the family and make them feel like he was asking for favors. Kris told him he needed to appear on a talk show to get more press and go mainstream with Talentless. We have Ellen on retainer, so he can do that one. It looked sweet of Kris to be concerned, but we all know this is about her getting another 10 percent.
Auntie Khloe, one of the Malikas and True went to Cleveland.
"I am very excited that Malika is coming to Cleveland," Auntie Khloe said. "She hasn’t been there since I had True, so it’s been a minute, and it’s fun. We get to dress in our winter clothes and just spend a lot of family time — time with True, time with Tristan. Normally in Cleveland, it’s all about Tristan and his friends, and so now I get Malika to come and visit for a couple of days, so it’ll be a different dynamic for sure."
But Malika had a slightly different agenda. "I don’t know how life in Cleveland with Tristan is right now for Khloe," she said. "So I have to go and see what’s really going on."
Auntie Khloe made a lot of excuses for Tristan about why he couldn’t spend time with her and True. Apparently, due to his busy schedule, he can’t hang out with her and True at the Cleveland Botanical Garden. However, ask Tristan to go to the club with Instagram models, and his calendar suddenly clears up.
After that, Mommy, everyone’s favorite "why are you here girl" Larsa, her daughter Sophia, Tracy, me and my best friend Ryan went camping. When we arrived, we tried setting up the camp site, but putting up the tent was a complete nightmare. Of all people, Larsa should know how to put together a tent. She’ll be living in one if her divorce to Scottie Pippen is ever finalized.
Next, we went fishing. I’m not a huge fan of fishing. My belief is why would I try to catch something I can easily order at Nobu? Mommy seemed to really hate fishing, so I would say it was success.
After fishing, we went back to the campsite for dinner and bed. Larsa wanted to leave, but I reminded her that she wouldn’t get paid for filming if she left. Of course, she agreed to stay and stick it out. After the cameras left, I had my car service take me to The Beverly Hills Hotel. I returned the next morning with Starbucks for the girls, so they weren’t too mad.
Back in Cleveland, Malika once again pressed Auntie Khloe about her relationship with Tristan. At first, Auntie Khloe told her they were "fine," but she eventually confessed that it had been "really hard to regain trust."
"I’m someone where the energy I have towards True, that’s all that matters to me," Auntie Khloe said. "If that starts to be affected by me wondering, ‘What’s Tristan doing? Where is he?’ — I will be out in two f–king seconds. Nothing is worth that for me."
"Are you still in love?" Malika asked.
"I am in love," Auntie Khloe replied. "I know I love him, but still, I’m not going to act like nothing’s wrong."
"Don’t you want that change?" Malika asked.
"Totally. But I’m not going to force that," Auntie Khloe said. "He counts — ‘It’s been seven months!’ I’m like, ‘So it’s been seven months.’ I’m allowed to do things when I want to do it. But he also needs to know: ‘Your one stupid weekend or whatever you did, look what it did to three years of a relationship. It just demolished it. So was that worth it for you?’"
"I appreciate the efforts he has put in and he does self-help and therapy and whatever he does for himself, I really am grateful for that," she continued. "And he knows I’m still trying. I don’t have to come here. That’s a huge responsibility and a weight on my shoulders to come back and forth. If I didn’t feel anything, I wouldn’t be here. But I still have to get to the next phase, and then we’ll get there."
"I’ve always been someone who’s like, ‘Don’t sit in your sorrow,’" she added. "It is what it is, so let’s just face the facts and move on."
I wish I could slap Auntie Khloe and hug her at the same time.
Scott ended up taking Kris’ advice to push his brand more. He set up a big photo shoot for Talentless and did an interview with GQ magazine. He’s looking forward to growing the business and taking it to the next level. Talentless is already huge with teenagers. Sofia wore it to school one day, and the rest is history.
Meet me back here next week when I recap Episode 6 of my show.
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